Medicine doctor day

I've been pretty depressed over the past few months. The weather was bad on the day of my last psych MD appointment and had to cancel so it's been way too long since I've seen him. Today he suggested we increase the medications I'm already taking to their maximum, starting with a night time one. Marcy suggested I try positive intention practice just before going to bed. I've been doing that for 3 nights. This sort of thing has never worked for me in the past.

Kind of like doing something for others is supposed to make us feel better and it seldom does. Why is that supposed to work?  Who dreamed that one up? If you put all the good deeds and good thoughts in the world together, would there be enough to prevent all the suicides?  I can't figure that out, but I know that "positive" whatever, does not work for me. Even if I concentrate on the person I love most in the world - no help.

So just wanted to say I'm hanging in there. I'm working on getting my book (named after this blog) together. Amy sent me a list of people who publish memoirs. I guess that's what my book would be.

Love,
Vickie   
                                                                                                                 Last spring. My favorite tree.

Maybe it's Time

June 20, 2019
Maybe it's Time that I put this as a book.

I just replied to an email, which led to finding a poem about death, which reminded me of a great children's book I just read about teenagers dealing with race, that took me to another poem by Marianne Williamson encouraging us all to be our brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous selves. As corny as the voice inside me says I think she's right. I've always been afraid to be out there. Mother and my sister called it showing off. So it had to be wrong - right?

There is an outline already in place and I don't know where to go from there. But when I read the acknowledgements at the end of many books they thank people who helped them get it together. Helped them do re-writes. Helped them keep at it. People who believed in them and what they were writing.

Now I'm trying to get to the blog of Angie Thomas who wrote The Hate U Give the best book I've read all year. She is so real you think for sure this is happening to her as she writes it. It is sad, shocking, loving. It is about race in her life, school, neighborhood,  family, her friends. She's tells us where hate comes from. I've got to tell her how much her writing meant to me.  I'm one of those women who's going to a group on racial justice. And she's right, that's not enough, it's not nearly enough - it's not even close.

More later

Bedroom with a view

Hi,
I was just reading and got sleepy so decided to take a nap. Pulled up the stunning turquoise and purple coverlet and questioned myself with "what is my favorite thing in my bed." Well I just love it all. Suddenly realized it's the view from the bed that I love the most. The view of my softly waving curtains painted with ferns. The view of two birch trees across the road up Cathy's hill. The conversationally grouped stuffed animals on their very own shelves. The cream colored walls. Even the wooden revolving clothes tree. All of it, the view of all of it. I think I am finally ready to start to love without expecting a thank you in return. Than I went off to sleep. 
   Bye, V

Important Definition

        White supremacy:  (as defined by online Definition Dictionary)

1. the belief, theory, or doctrine that white people are inherently superior to people from all other racial groups, especially black people, and are therefore rightfully the dominant group in any society.


So, above is the definition I found and it's about what I thought it was. I am less sure that I want to defend it though.  Still worth bringing up at the next social justice group meeting next month.
Signing off for now,
Vickie

White Supremacy Culture

About a year ago a friend was visiting and at some point the conversation got around to racism. Before I knew it she mentioned white supremacy as being something that we all (all white friends in this conversation) knew we were - "white supremacists."  I freaked out and said "wait a minute Anemone, I know I am aware of my white female privilege, but that's far from white supremacy. White supremacists actively go after people of color to hurt them. I don't do that." Anemone pulled back a bit and just looked at me like I hadn't send anything startling.

Now I've joined a social justice group at my local meditation center and the first meeting was about the WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE!  At the next meeting I'm going to bring this up. In the meantime I'm looking up the correct definition of white supremacy.  I'm also going to send this to Anemone so she won't think I've totally gone off my rocker.

Depression is very low level these days, I hardly even think of it. Too busy with back pain, too busy with weakness from Parkinson's. Anyhow it's winter and we had our first real snow storm (6") yesterday and if you know me at all you know I love winter.

Later,
    Vickie

Integral Family Systems in Action

Actually I'm not sure the above title is correct, but what I do in therapy is identify a "part" who is in distress or needing help. Today it was about a little girl part, about 8 years old. She feels she just can't do anything right. She is very aware that her mother (our mother) made her feel guilty for each and every mistake. She even got in trouble when she went to a dance school and was told she would never be a "star" so mother let her know this was a big failure. This particular issue is a work in progress.

I just know I feel so much better when "parts" get the attention and help or assistance they need. Sometimes they decide they don't like the job mother gave them and we find different jobs for them.

Still not doing very well with the weight. Going back to listening to the Feeding Ourselves Method CDs.

Love,
Vickie

A medium kind of day

April 12, 2018

Therapy today with a new idea about how to approach a part of me who doesn't yet know how to get along with people. I get frustrated and then blurt out something. That is not usually a very effective way to communicate. So my therapist and I are breaking the process into sections. 
1.  First identify what is wanting to be said.
2.  Decide either who or what group of people I want to say it to.
3.  Figure out how important it is to be said immediately, soon, or anytime.
Decide how NVC (non violent communication) could help. You can look up NVC online. Pick the information by Marshall Rosenberg as there are some knock off theories out there. Basically it's learning to express yourself in a way that will bring you the result you desire and not just unwanted reactions.

More to come..................