This is real life

1.  Today I went back to my 2 hr/day job. It was busy and I had fun. I can't remember all the prices anymore so I just took the extra time to twist around and look at price signs. No one seemed to mind.

2.  Waiting for results of MRI of low back from last week. Could make the difference between surgery (yes or no).  I think about it too much. Thinking about it does not help, just makes me more anxious and obsessed. 

3.  Have to admit it's good to have access to this writing space again. Have not been to therapy in 3 weeks and I miss it. I go to someone who is flexible and willing to look at things in many ways.

4.  Will have to finish this later because I can't remember what #4 was going to be. What a laugh !

What a strange feeling

At some point early in August 2016 I found out about a man who was able to channel healing power. I asked for an invitation to this group called Circle of Friends. Then listening to music I experienced my first Einstellen. It's a bit like meditation in that you do your best to be present. At this time I asked for help. I didn't specify physical or metal help. Now I do Einstellen every day. Heilstrom is the healing life stream which is more receptive while doing Einstellen. Bruno Groening is the man who was gifted with this ability to heal. So since that time in August my daily depression is 90% less. Many days I am not depressed at all. You might want to look him up online at Bruno-Groening.org

Without the depression consuming my days I have to learn about all these other feelings. It definitely feels better to have those things to choose from rather than being wrapped up in that awful depression. 

INTRODUCTION (reprinted)

Introduction - It's Working...!

For a lot of us, depression is an incurable, often terminal illness:

       

That’s the good news

·     Now you don’t have to wonder why it doesn’t go away, but keeps coming back.

·     Now you don’t have to feel guilty because  people love you, but that doesn’t help either.

·     Now you can relax and think about soothing yourself, one of the best things you can do.

·     Now you can quit fighting it.

·     Now you can cry when you need to.

·     Now you can think about living with it instead of trying to kill it by killing yourself.

When I heard about Robin Williams I was terribly sad and stunned. I  felt helpless. This deep sadness continued for weeks and entered  into my dreams. I told some friends that if I’d just had a chance to talk to him that day, I might have been able to do something about it. One guy asked what I’d have said to him – “let’s go get a drink,” that’s what I’d have said. Apparently he was an alcoholic and I know for sure that I’m one. But, “Hey Robin, I don’t think that’s a priority right now. It looks like there are more important things on your mind.”

Actually it’s kind of like A. A. in that it will help me stay alive and sane if I tell you how I do it, and you tell me how you don’t. Just think of me as your personal guide through the underworld and, if we’re lucky and pay attention, we’ll come through it alive.

Please don’t think for a minute that I’m not serious about this topic. Unrelenting depression took my father’s life when I was an infant. All I was told about him was that he tried suicide again and again, that he was extremely depressed and didn’t know what to do about it. Now this was 1946 so there weren’t many options, but it’s all the same. No matter what causes it; childhood abuse, psychological problems, crazy or suicidal genes, addiction.  I have a story to tell. It’s a true story. It’s my story.  I know it is not unique to me. I have to tell it because I can’t bear hearing or reading that another person has committed suicide - without my saying this. I’m not a writer and don’t have a college degree, but I’m 69 and I’ve learned a lot of things.                               

It’s true what Harvey Fierstein said,            

“don’t fuck with depression because 
all it wants to do is get you in a room alone and kill you. <sup>“

Visit again and leave me a comment. I'll reply.</sup>

A DIFFERENT KIND OF PAIN

Today I went to see my local orthopedic surgeon who did my knee replacements.  I went because of the pain in my legs that caused me to use a cane all the time, even in the house. He said it was from my back stenosis,, not hip or leg. He suggested having decompression surgery without stabilization/fixation. He said this is being done more now - used to be done in the past. 

I've been to two surgeons in Boston and two at DHMC, closer to home. They have all said I'd have to have decompression and fixation and told me what a huge procedure it would be. 

Today I left messages with both Boston docs and will email the DHMC docs. 

Pain causes me to eat more. Pain increases depression.  What about you?

Vickie