This part of my life I call EATING

Not that eating was ever a problem. Not till age 40 and no alcohol in the picture. Then I just kept eating my usual way and my cloths started getting tight. Then I had a binge during a depressive bout and gained 15 lbs. Currently up to 50 lbs out of my body mass index.  I did Weight Watchers for 2 months, but did not like their policy of charging by the meeting. If you miss a meeting you still have to pay for it. Forget that. Now I'm back to LOSE IT! Online, similar, but no points and no meetings.
Will let you know how it is going. Lost 5 lbs so far and fasting blood sugar is back in the normal range.

Therapy is going well  Working with fearful parts.

This part of my life I call SWIMMING

Several weeks ago I began pool physical therapy for a recurrent stiff, painful neck. Hard to turn to see who is behind me while driving, and so forth. I loved the first one and swan 1 length of the pool in my  inefficient crawl - at least it kept me afloat. After PT I signed up for a month's membership so I could swim every day or about 5 times a week. Soon I found a swim coach there who during a private lesson improved my game immensely. I've been swimming (and buying swim suits and other gear) every since. Sometimes, like today my stamina was bad so I just grabbed a noodle to paddle around, maybe swimming just 1 lap. But usually I'm able to swim 4-6 full laps. It feels so good and gives me an emotional lift too. It has not helped me lose weight, but still at it.

I go to the Alumni Gymnasium - the entrance to the Field House and pool are behind the gymnasium.

/vss

INTRODUCTION (reprinted)

INTRODUCTION (reprinted)

Introduction - It's Working...!

For a lot of us, depression is an incurable, often terminal illness:

       

That’s the good news

·     Now you don’t have to wonder why it doesn’t go away, but keeps coming back.

·     Now you don’t have to feel guilty because  people love you, but that doesn’t help either.

·     Now you can relax and think about soothing yourself, one of the best things you can do.

·     Now you can quit fighting it.

·     Now you can cry when you need to.

·     Now you can think about living with it instead of trying to kill it by killing yourself.

When I heard about Robin Williams I was terribly sad and stunned. I  felt helpless. This deep sadness continued for weeks and entered  into my dreams. I told some friends that if I’d just had a chance to talk to him that day, I might have been able to do something about it. One guy asked what I’d have said to him – “let’s go get a drink,” that’s what I’d have said. Apparently he was an alcoholic and I know for sure that I’m one. But, “Hey Robin, I don’t think that’s a priority right now. It looks like there are more important things on your mind.”

Actually it’s kind of like A. A. in that it will help me stay alive and sane if I tell you how I do it, and you tell me how you don’t. Just think of me as your personal guide through the underworld and, if we’re lucky and pay attention, we’ll come through it alive.

Please don’t think for a minute that I’m not serious about this topic. Unrelenting depression took my father’s life when I was an infant. All I was told about him was that he tried suicide again and again, that he was extremely depressed and didn’t know what to do about it. Now this was 1946 so there weren’t many options, but it’s all the same. No matter what causes it; childhood abuse, psychological problems, crazy or suicidal genes, addiction.  I have a story to tell. It’s a true story. It’s my story.  I know it is not unique to me. I have to tell it because I can’t bear hearing or reading that another person has committed suicide - without my saying this. I’m not a writer and don’t have a college degree, but I’m 69 and I’ve learned a lot of things.                               

It’s true what Harvey Fierstein said,            

“don’t fuck with depression because 
all it wants to do is get you in a room alone and kill you. <sup>“

Visit again and leave me a comment. I'll reply.</sup>

Back Surgery

I went to four surgeons and decided on the last one. He had several different ideas and we ended up with the most conservative. It has not helped much, maybe 25%. But I know now for sure I won't have the extensive procedure with rods and fixation - no way - the pain is just too much.

Tried to ride a bike today. Too much bike for me, 15 gears and a boys bike to boot. The second time I tried I fell and scraped up my knee pretty well. Still like to ride, even if it means getting a 3 wheeler. 

Therapy every other week starting this month and medication doctor doesn't mind. This is good!

It was a great six months

Last August I experienced a healing of sorts and had six months without depression. Amazing! Hardly knew what to do with myself and all the other kinds of feelings that came up.  So it's back, and particularly the last 3 days have been horribly sad and down. Now I have to get used to it again I guess. I feel stupid. My vocabulary is shot to hell. I'd just like to shoot myself, but I don't have a gun for one thing. For the other thing my best friend would be devastated which is worth staying alive for.   Also I'm a Buddhist and we think giving in to that urge will not help us in future lives. I think that's about right. 

This is real life

1.  Today I went back to my 2 hr/day job. It was busy and I had fun. I can't remember all the prices anymore so I just took the extra time to twist around and look at price signs. No one seemed to mind.

2.  Waiting for results of MRI of low back from last week. Could make the difference between surgery (yes or no).  I think about it too much. Thinking about it does not help, just makes me more anxious and obsessed. 

3.  Have to admit it's good to have access to this writing space again. Have not been to therapy in 3 weeks and I miss it. I go to someone who is flexible and willing to look at things in many ways.

4.  Will have to finish this later because I can't remember what #4 was going to be. What a laugh !

What a strange feeling

At some point early in August 2016 I found out about a man who was able to channel healing power. I asked for an invitation to this group called Circle of Friends. Then listening to music I experienced my first Einstellen. It's a bit like meditation in that you do your best to be present. At this time I asked for help. I didn't specify physical or metal help. Now I do Einstellen every day. Heilstrom is the healing life stream which is more receptive while doing Einstellen. Bruno Groening is the man who was gifted with this ability to heal. So since that time in August my daily depression is 90% less. Many days I am not depressed at all. You might want to look him up online at Bruno-Groening.org

Without the depression consuming my days I have to learn about all these other feelings. It definitely feels better to have those things to choose from rather than being wrapped up in that awful depression. 

INTRODUCTION (reprinted)

Introduction - It's Working...!

For a lot of us, depression is an incurable, often terminal illness:

       

That’s the good news

·     Now you don’t have to wonder why it doesn’t go away, but keeps coming back.

·     Now you don’t have to feel guilty because  people love you, but that doesn’t help either.

·     Now you can relax and think about soothing yourself, one of the best things you can do.

·     Now you can quit fighting it.

·     Now you can cry when you need to.

·     Now you can think about living with it instead of trying to kill it by killing yourself.

When I heard about Robin Williams I was terribly sad and stunned. I  felt helpless. This deep sadness continued for weeks and entered  into my dreams. I told some friends that if I’d just had a chance to talk to him that day, I might have been able to do something about it. One guy asked what I’d have said to him – “let’s go get a drink,” that’s what I’d have said. Apparently he was an alcoholic and I know for sure that I’m one. But, “Hey Robin, I don’t think that’s a priority right now. It looks like there are more important things on your mind.”

Actually it’s kind of like A. A. in that it will help me stay alive and sane if I tell you how I do it, and you tell me how you don’t. Just think of me as your personal guide through the underworld and, if we’re lucky and pay attention, we’ll come through it alive.

Please don’t think for a minute that I’m not serious about this topic. Unrelenting depression took my father’s life when I was an infant. All I was told about him was that he tried suicide again and again, that he was extremely depressed and didn’t know what to do about it. Now this was 1946 so there weren’t many options, but it’s all the same. No matter what causes it; childhood abuse, psychological problems, crazy or suicidal genes, addiction.  I have a story to tell. It’s a true story. It’s my story.  I know it is not unique to me. I have to tell it because I can’t bear hearing or reading that another person has committed suicide - without my saying this. I’m not a writer and don’t have a college degree, but I’m 69 and I’ve learned a lot of things.                               

It’s true what Harvey Fierstein said,            

“don’t fuck with depression because 
all it wants to do is get you in a room alone and kill you. <sup>“

Visit again and leave me a comment. I'll reply.</sup>

A DIFFERENT KIND OF PAIN

Today I went to see my local orthopedic surgeon who did my knee replacements.  I went because of the pain in my legs that caused me to use a cane all the time, even in the house. He said it was from my back stenosis,, not hip or leg. He suggested having decompression surgery without stabilization/fixation. He said this is being done more now - used to be done in the past. 

I've been to two surgeons in Boston and two at DHMC, closer to home. They have all said I'd have to have decompression and fixation and told me what a huge procedure it would be. 

Today I left messages with both Boston docs and will email the DHMC docs. 

Pain causes me to eat more. Pain increases depression.  What about you?

Vickie