Honestly,

Have you noticed lately how easy it is to lie? About anything - something trivial - or something that will change your life.  I had more to say on this subject earlier in the day, but I forgot it - for now.
Hope your day is okay.
VSS

It's a long story............

I'm recovering from a somewhat minor surgery, taking out painful nerves and extra scar tissue at an old incision site.  Having physical pain makes me over eat and it makes me very sensitive in interactions with people. 

A year of so a woman acquaintance dressed up for a special occasion and seeing her took my breath away. I said seeing you is enough to make a good dog break his chain. Then I apologized in case she'd feeling insulted. She said she didn't, but just didn't have time to add new friends to her life at the time.  Later she asked why I didn't come to this place, and hang out with the others. I told her I didn't know how to hang out. So I've been leaving her alone, watching as she makes friends with others and trying not to feel hurt.

Then I got a guess I got a group email wrong when I thought she'd been promoted and also had just had a birthday. I bought her a beautiful card and she saw me as I left it on her desk. She never responded, not even a thank you. Why don't people say thank you anymore?  As I just too old? 

Then another email warns about how busy it's going to be where she works and details how they are going to handle it. I used to work at the same place years ago and dashed off a quick reply describing how we compensated in the old days and though inconvenient, it was exciting and thrilling to have the chance to do the work we do.  Again, no response, not even a laugh, zip. 

Why does all the above bug me so much?  Yes, I feel left out, but that's not the real reason. The real reason is it hurts my ego. My ego does not like being ignored. This ego I'm talking about is the one that wants me all caught up in my thoughts. The ego that does not like me relaxed, in the present. It would rather have me depressed and unsure and wrapped up in pain.  The minute I realized that I laughed. 

All the above is happening in a state of depression. But don't ever think that your depression does not have light and knowledge and presence. It's there, you are not stranded. It is painful, but far from impossible.     Thank you all for listening.

Introduction - It's Working

Introduction - It's Working...!

For a lot of us, depression is an incurable, often terminal illness:

       

That’s the good news

·     Now you don’t have to wonder why it doesn’t go away, but keeps coming back.

·     Now you don’t have to feel guilty because  people love you, but that doesn’t help either.

·     Now you can relax and think about soothing yourself, one of the best things you can do.

·     Now you can quit fighting it.

·     Now you can cry when you need to.

·     Now you can think about living with it instead of trying to kill it by killing yourself.

When I heard about Robin Williams I was terribly sad and stunned. I  felt helpless. This deep sadness continued for weeks and entered  into my dreams. I told some friends that if I’d just had a chance to talk to him that day, I might have been able to do something about it. One guy asked what I’d have said to him – “let’s go get a drink,” that’s what I’d have said. Apparently he was an alcoholic and I know for sure that I’m one. But, “Hey Robin, I don’t think that’s a priority right now. It looks like there are more important things on your mind.”

Actually it’s kind of like A. A. in that it will help me stay alive and sane if I tell you how I do it, and you tell me how you don’t. Just think of me as your personal guide through the underworld and, if we’re lucky and pay attention, we’ll come through it alive.

Please don’t think for a minute that I’m not serious about this topic. Unrelenting depression took my father’s life when I was an infant. All I was told about him was that he tried suicide again and again, that he was extremely depressed and didn’t know what to do about it. Now this was 1946 so there weren’t many options, but it’s all the same. No matter what causes it; childhood abuse, psychological problems, crazy or suicidal genes, addiction.  I have a story to tell. It’s a true story. It’s my story.  I know it is not unique to me. I have to tell it because I can’t bear hearing or reading that another person has committed suicide - without my saying this. I’m not a writer and don’t have a college degree, but I’m 69 and I’ve learned a lot of things.                               

It’s true what Harvey Fierstein said,            

“don’t fuck with depression because 
all it wants to do is get you in a room alone and kill you. <sup>“

Visit again and leave me a comment. I'll reply.</sup>

Suicide and Depression

Suicide - Suicide - Suicide

"This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out.

"A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

"Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

"Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me, can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.”

(Aaron Sorkin,The West Wing, episode 2)

When addiction, depression, fear and ignorance continue to take the lives of our best and brightest talent, it’s time to say something.  Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Philip Seymour Hoffman and now Robin Williams, had bigger than life talent. Whether you like them or not, that talent is obvious. Now imagine putting depression in the middle of that.  How can I be depressed, I have everything?  Am I that selfish or self-centered that all this does not satisfy me? I should look outside, help someone else, and then I’ll feel better. These are often the kinds of help we offer to our creature human beings, these and more platitudes.  I think we can do better.

 

Today is a sad, sad day for me.  It’s right that we are sad.  That’s not a useless feeling.  We don’t have to go back to the lives of Beethoven, Mozart, and Schumann. We have these present day examples of people full of talent, love,  caring and incredible pain. All of these “stars” turned to substance for relief. I don’t know what they were specifically seeking relief from, I didn’t know them, but the pattern is clear. Whether the substance directly caused their death or not doesn’t matter. It matters that they didn’t see any other way out.

Today it seems as if Robin has come into my body and mind somehow. It happened when he committed suicide. I keep waiting to hear that it was not real. The real story will be that he was shot, or tortured, or kidnaped and never heard from again - anything but suicide.  Is this my time to feel my father’s suicide? I think maybe so. If so it will stay with me until I work it through.

I was watching Robin and Billy Crystal in a shtick and Robin said to Billy, “now you’re with me brother, you’ve crossed into the land of bad taste.” For ½ hr they were riotously funny. They make me want to do stand up on suicide.

You will enjoy and get more out of this book if you have a sense of humor about things most people don’t laugh at. So if writing out your ideal funeral plan is not amusing to you. Then making your very own, never fail suicide plan won’t be either.

In the process of getting feedback about these chapters I heard from a good friend who spoke of her worst depression. However, she said during all those weeks of withdrawal and isolation she never thought of harming herself. With me I definitely thought of, planned for and started carrying out suicide attempts, but I never thought of them in terms of harming myself. I wanted the pain to stop. The idea of harming myself did not enter into it because the harm to myself was inflicted by staying alive.

Lily Tomlin

This afternoon Marcy and I went to see Lily Tomlin in "Grandma." She was spectacular. I don't know if it was by design, but grandma grew to be the full person we are used to seeing, used to expecting. I loved every minute of it. 

A friend told me my blog was dark humor. Maybe that's why I got suck a kick out of GRANDMA.  If it comes near you go see it - or Netflix if you can't get to a theatre. This one was worth the big screen.

Now I'm home looking for her site. Want to write to her, but I can't find a way to do that. Guess she keeps herself to herself. Fine by me. I mean how many taunts of "you were fabulous" can one commedien take. 

Did you see her as Martin Sheen's private secretary on the West Wing series? You can definitely get that on Netflix. There she was acerbic again - loved it - I actually own the whole series - a gift from my friend who knows what makes me happy.  What makes you happy?  Make a list, it could be revealing. Don't edit it the first time through, just throw it out there. 

While perusing the internet something called "The Folk Show" came on the radio from New Hampshire. Never listened before. It's good. That's Sunday night around 8pm.  A good day, definitely a good day.  

Spell check is not working - hope spelling isn't too bad. Thanks for reading.

The next time

some well meaning person sees something I'm making and says "those are beautiful, you should make them and sell them," run, don't walk as fast as you can in the opposite direction. 

Took twenty sheep skin hats to Burklyn "the" craft fair in this area. What a drag - The best thing was the people I met. The wreath makers, "Nature by Design" were selling great guns and by the afternoon of the second things were slowing down for them and I went over and vented, with humor and now I have new friends. Of course I'm not going back to Burklyn. I'm not going back to any craft fair. I am the death knell to craft fair sales. It's taken me a long time to realize it. 

Today is the second day of a head cold and the first week of dealing with the diagnosis of Bipolar II. I hate the label, but it makes sense when I look at my behavior. Maybe I can stop fighting my "energy" spells. Maybe I can quit fighting the anger spells and see them for what they are. All this leads to ending the blame game. That just doesn't help anyone, me or any other one.