It's a long story............

I'm recovering from a somewhat minor surgery, taking out painful nerves and extra scar tissue at an old incision site.  Having physical pain makes me over eat and it makes me very sensitive in interactions with people. 

A year of so a woman acquaintance dressed up for a special occasion and seeing her took my breath away. I said seeing you is enough to make a good dog break his chain. Then I apologized in case she'd feeling insulted. She said she didn't, but just didn't have time to add new friends to her life at the time.  Later she asked why I didn't come to this place, and hang out with the others. I told her I didn't know how to hang out. So I've been leaving her alone, watching as she makes friends with others and trying not to feel hurt.

Then I got a guess I got a group email wrong when I thought she'd been promoted and also had just had a birthday. I bought her a beautiful card and she saw me as I left it on her desk. She never responded, not even a thank you. Why don't people say thank you anymore?  As I just too old? 

Then another email warns about how busy it's going to be where she works and details how they are going to handle it. I used to work at the same place years ago and dashed off a quick reply describing how we compensated in the old days and though inconvenient, it was exciting and thrilling to have the chance to do the work we do.  Again, no response, not even a laugh, zip. 

Why does all the above bug me so much?  Yes, I feel left out, but that's not the real reason. The real reason is it hurts my ego. My ego does not like being ignored. This ego I'm talking about is the one that wants me all caught up in my thoughts. The ego that does not like me relaxed, in the present. It would rather have me depressed and unsure and wrapped up in pain.  The minute I realized that I laughed. 

All the above is happening in a state of depression. But don't ever think that your depression does not have light and knowledge and presence. It's there, you are not stranded. It is painful, but far from impossible.     Thank you all for listening.