Bedroom with a view

Hi,
I was just reading and got sleepy so decided to take a nap. Pulled up the stunning turquoise and purple coverlet and questioned myself with "what is my favorite thing in my bed." Well I just love it all. Suddenly realized it's the view from the bed that I love the most. The view of my softly waving curtains painted with ferns. The view of two birch trees across the road up Cathy's hill. The conversationally grouped stuffed animals on their very own shelves. The cream colored walls. Even the wooden revolving clothes tree. All of it, the view of all of it. I think I am finally ready to start to love without expecting a thank you in return. Than I went off to sleep. 
   Bye, V

Important Definition

        White supremacy:  (as defined by online Definition Dictionary)

1. the belief, theory, or doctrine that white people are inherently superior to people from all other racial groups, especially black people, and are therefore rightfully the dominant group in any society.


So, above is the definition I found and it's about what I thought it was. I am less sure that I want to defend it though.  Still worth bringing up at the next social justice group meeting next month.
Signing off for now,
Vickie

White Supremacy Culture

About a year ago a friend was visiting and at some point the conversation got around to racism. Before I knew it she mentioned white supremacy as being something that we all (all white friends in this conversation) knew we were - "white supremacists."  I freaked out and said "wait a minute Anemone, I know I am aware of my white female privilege, but that's far from white supremacy. White supremacists actively go after people of color to hurt them. I don't do that." Anemone pulled back a bit and just looked at me like I hadn't send anything startling.

Now I've joined a social justice group at my local meditation center and the first meeting was about the WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE!  At the next meeting I'm going to bring this up. In the meantime I'm looking up the correct definition of white supremacy.  I'm also going to send this to Anemone so she won't think I've totally gone off my rocker.

Depression is very low level these days, I hardly even think of it. Too busy with back pain, too busy with weakness from Parkinson's. Anyhow it's winter and we had our first real snow storm (6") yesterday and if you know me at all you know I love winter.

Later,
    Vickie

Integral Family Systems in Action

Actually I'm not sure the above title is correct, but what I do in therapy is identify a "part" who is in distress or needing help. Today it was about a little girl part, about 8 years old. She feels she just can't do anything right. She is very aware that her mother (our mother) made her feel guilty for each and every mistake. She even got in trouble when she went to a dance school and was told she would never be a "star" so mother let her know this was a big failure. This particular issue is a work in progress.

I just know I feel so much better when "parts" get the attention and help or assistance they need. Sometimes they decide they don't like the job mother gave them and we find different jobs for them.

Still not doing very well with the weight. Going back to listening to the Feeding Ourselves Method CDs.

Love,
Vickie

A medium kind of day

April 12, 2018

Therapy today with a new idea about how to approach a part of me who doesn't yet know how to get along with people. I get frustrated and then blurt out something. That is not usually a very effective way to communicate. So my therapist and I are breaking the process into sections. 
1.  First identify what is wanting to be said.
2.  Decide either who or what group of people I want to say it to.
3.  Figure out how important it is to be said immediately, soon, or anytime.
Decide how NVC (non violent communication) could help. You can look up NVC online. Pick the information by Marshall Rosenberg as there are some knock off theories out there. Basically it's learning to express yourself in a way that will bring you the result you desire and not just unwanted reactions.

More to come..................

This Part I Call Coming Out

This is coming out to myself. I know now that a large part of my depression came from not knowing how to or being able to be a child - then growing  up.  I only have somewhat consistent memories from age 18 to about age 40. At age 18 I got married to a sweet guy I met in a bar who didn't have the faintest idea what he was getting into.  That lasted about two years.  Almost every night I'd have him meet me at our favorite bar.When it was dinner time he'd glance at me and I'd give him a look that said I wanted to stay there and order some kind of take out. He never said no. We'd spend the rest of the night there almost till closing. I was working as a hairdresser, but that didn't last long because although I had a license I was not very good at it. Then I started drinking during the day because I didn't have a job. I met a woman who taught me the day time drinker's bar etiquette.

I let him catch me seeing another man and we were divorced.  A few years later about 1967 I met another man in a classier bar. I learned that if I wanted to meet wealthier men I'd have to hang out in better bars.  After about 6 months I moved in with him and in another year we were married in Las Vegas.  This one lasted 4 1/2 years, but I didn't care for him any more than the first one. Again more getting involved with other men and another divorce.

Now it dawned on me that it was Tucson that was the problem and I should head east. Moved to Central Texas where my sister and her family were living. I honed my medical transcription profession there but even with much therapy my depression got wore. Decided that if I was going to kill myself that I was going to do it someplace I loved. So I packed my car and headed to Cape Cod. I knew that was the right place for me as soon as I drove over the bridge.

Cape Cod is where I really came out as a lesbian, got sober at age 30 found out I had a dissociative component to my depression. And very lucky for me I hooked up with a therapist two years younger than me, but incredible skilled and very brave.  More about her in therapists section.

More later,
Vickie

This part of my life I call COLD

Every year this time I'm thrilled and happy to have the cold and snow. So what's different this year - must be age. Nah, must be something else.

But I'm so cold - had to turn up the thermostat on the furnace - Marcy got me an electric blanket.  It's not like me, but it is what it is.

The depression is not so good either.  Not sure why, but have not even felt like swimming. Holidays were predictably difficult, more so than usual. Father's suicide anniversary. There is no getting away from it.

Found out Weight Watchers is a royal rip off. You have to pay for every meeting, even if you do not attend - no excuses will be accepted.  So I'm doing this program I got from therapist "S" and I'm making sense this time. Learning the difference between humming and becoming foods. Humming foods are those that your body naturally needs. Becoming foods coming from outside stimulation, ads, so forth.  I'm learning the program.

Happy New Year !!!