ADDICTION

__________________________________________________ADDICTION _________7/23/15

That word gets thrown about a lot. It seems to try to cover anything we are struggling with or would like to stop, but can’t. That’s a little too black and white for me.

To me it’s any activity that takes you away from your ability to experience the present moment.  Anything that your ego is using to distract you from experiencing your feelings. In many cases we need an addiction to help us get from one place to another. They are okay for that – but they are not a stopping place, not a place to hang out forever. We won’t be able to live an enjoyable life with our addiction keeping the motor going.

Our addictions are trying to tell us we’re in pain. They are not some horrible things that are trying to make us into terrible people and beat us into the ground.  Let’s follow that out and see if it’s true.

I started drinking at age 15. Someone asked me how I got the liquor. Easy, there were always a few guys who wanted to take out a girl who wanted to “party.”  We didn’t call it that in those days though. The first time I got drunk I threw up when I got home, but I loved it. Not the taste mind you, I hated the taste of it all. But something clicked in me – “this is it!”  I can be someone else with this stuff, safe from my memories, social ineptitude, fears and horrible pain. This was pretty much my life for about fifteen years including two marriages, numerous affairs, etc, etc. Not drinking age yet? No problems – with heels I was about 6’, then there’s the piled up hair, plenty of make-up and voila – “she looks 21 to me,” says the bartender. I thought I’d found a life.

After packing up and leaving Tucson (never did like that heat) I spent a couple of years in Texas where the drinking became daily and it’s a miracle that I held down my job. Now I was trying therapy. The pain was starting to break through the alcohol haze. I really wanted to be on the east coast – ocean – snow – yes. I figured I was so depressed I wouldn’t be long for this world so if I was going to die I wanted to do it someplace beautiful. This time I packed up and drove to Cape Cod. I’d started to learn medical transcription in Tucson and it became a good profession for me. On the Cape I meet my first female sweetheart; however, she decided to go back to her boyfriend – oh well. She had introduced me to a very charismatic minister, his church and their “mother” church. This is when the alcohol turned its back on me. It was not making me happy anymore, or helping me ignore my anger. No one in a bar wants to buy drinks for a bitch. I had no interest in cuddling up to anyone, much less to a man.

Fast forward. Being desperate for someone who’d run my life I found a Christian group who said I was “accepted” if I made two big changes; no more women and no more alcohol. My self-esteem was at a new low so as they ran me down emotionally, I thought they were right – I was nearly hopeless. Every week one of them would escort me to a meeting (so I wouldn’t talk to the “wrong” people). The craving to drink was awful that first year, but I didn’t want to get thrown out of the community. I did stay sober for a year and after a couple of years of not fitting in, no matter how much I tried, I fledged from that particular group of believers.

I also started therapy with a kind man who was great for a while, great for (what I was to find out later) the superficial problems. He also would not work with me if I drank so that brings us up to three years without a drink – thanks be to A. A.  But when I met the love of my life in Provincetown this same therapist said I was definitely not a lesbian (because I wore dresses?*%#). Okay what’s it going to be – leave her – leave him – leave her – leave him – hard decision (still barely able to trust my own feelings). I left HIM. And later I left her too because the untamed, wild storm of torment in me made our living together impossible. I didn’t want to live with me either.  Luckily as it turned out this woman and I found out we were much better together as the best of close friends.