USUALLY I CAN TELL

when I can see the suffering, sadness, depression in me.  Now I cannot tell, I cannot separate myself from all of that. I want to die, right now I want to die. I just heard a spiritual teacher saying that we are all the same consciousness and if they or I were to die right now it wouldn't change anything. 

But the Buddhist part of me says if you do that you will miss experiencing your karma. That karma is why you are here. You are here to be conscious of that karma and experience it the best you can.  So I type and try to remember not to take it all so seriously. I'll tell you though I feel like my skin is being stripped off from the inside out. My heart is bleeding from sharp knife cuts and I cannot stop it. 

I think I'll go get something to eat. All I want is ice cream, but maybe I'll have some macaroni first. So I made food, and a mango/honeydew smoothie too.

Still listening to Eckhart, but now I'm going to watch part of a movie and maybe knit a little.

I will get through this. I am still here. 

Thanks for reading,

vss